You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say "no".
Sounds crazy, right?
For those of you who can be known as "people pleasers", saying "no" might sound like a foreign concept to you. I am SO guilty of this.
As a full-time consultant running a full-time photography business, my schedule is booked "full-time". Not only do I have my 2019 color-coded planner to keep me organized, I already have one for 2020. This way, I can ensure that I set aside my weekends for those who need me. That's right, I plan over a year in advance, just to make sure people get the date they want. Granted, this time management responsibility comes with the territory of being a photographer, but it also comes with my personality.
In the midst of work on-top-of work, I often do odd jobs on the weekend to make extra cash. "What about family?" you ask. Don't worry, I schedule my weekend work around all the family events I can and I always make church on Sunday. "How do you balance relationships?" you ask? I even have color coded scheduled reminders to check in, birthdays, write letters, or (God forbid be able to) go get coffee with friends.
Although I have my sharpies memorized by life category, there's one thing I have been terrible at understanding... It's okay to say "no". It's okay to put yourself first. It's okay to make sure you're the one that's okay.
I have people tell me all the time that my plate is too full. "I don't know how you do it," they say... but I shove the opinions aside and make sure I'm on-time for my next event.
One day, I hit a breaking point. I became so worried about making sure everyone was content and loved me, that I forgot to worry whether I was content and loved myself. It started to affect my relationships, my happiness, and my anxiety levels. I realized that while I was scheduling time for everyone else, I forgot to pencil myself in.
When you put in too much effort to please people, you run the risk of being taken for granted. While it's great to be known as a reliable person, you have to ensure that you're not risking your time for the sake of pleasing others. Don't be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself trying to please everyone around you.
We all can fall victim to being a people pleaser in all areas of our life at work, in relationships, with families, and hobbies. While it is important to be kind to others and make sacrifices, it is also important to find the balance. If saying "yes" to a task or giving up your time will affect you negatively, say "no". Before you agree to something, ask yourself whether or not a) it is your responsibility b) whether or not someone else could do it or c) what you would be giving up by accepting.
When you're saying "yes" to others, make sure you're not saying "no" to yourself.
Will I ever recovery fully from being a people pleaser? Probably not. At the end of the day, it's harder said than done. What I have discovered is that the important things to remember are:
1) Your time is just as valuable to yourself as it is to other people (after all, it is your time)!
2) Saying "no" doesn't make you mean, it usually makes you kind to yourself
3) The person trying to keep everyone happy, usually ends up feeling the loneliest
4) Be careful that you are not being taken for granted
5) Never apologize for taking "me" time
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