According to Carrie Bradshaw in season four of Sex & the City, breakups stimulate the economy. The best way to deal with them is by purchasing handbags and shoes. While I believe part of this to be true.. admit-tingly, it can be a lot more complicated than that. It's about handbags, shoes and coffee. Then you're set! Kidding.
We've all heard the word 'heartbreak'. If you haven't, turn on any country radio station and you'll hear someone wailing about it. It's a feeling I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemies and definitely not my best friends. Heartbreak has probably the most true description of a word. Mr. Webster defined it as "crushing grief, anguish, or distress". You've hopefully never experienced it, but if you have it's unlike anything else.
Whether you've been with someone for two years or twenty five, a breakup packs a suitcase of emotion that definitely hits the 50 pound limit.
After the initial shock goes away, your swelled eyes stop turning red, and your girlfriends are tired of hearing you vent, you're left to sit in your grief. Deleting your ex off Facebook and taking the pictures down helps temporarily, but you don't put a bandaid on a gunshot wound.
So what do you do?
If you know me, you can identify through my writings that I'm a processor. It's important for me to identify how I feel, why I'm feeling that way, and what to do about it (hence why it's taken me months and months to write about a breakup that happened in 2019). While the sting and the memories of heartbreak might never go away, it's important to reflect over the relationship, why it ended, and how to move forward.
Everyone likes talking about break-ups, until it's their own.. so I thought I'd make the sacrifice for us all and chat about my experience with them.
1. God Loves Them, so You Don't Have to
In my eyes, my grandma is a wisdom guru. The most memorable thing she told me as I went through my breakup was "Honey, God loves him, that means you don't have to". If you have a caring soul, you'll probably be worried about your ex afterwards. You wonder how they are, how they're doing, how their family is, how their life is, and even how their dog is. Let that go. The reason my grandma gave that advice was because I spent so much of my energy hoping that he was okay. I was worried about his well-being which was detrimental to my own. Once you go through a breakup, create a division between your concerns... their problems are no longer yours, their well-being is no longer your worry, and their happiness is no longer your responsibility.
2. Your Future isn't Gone
I'm sure you envisioned your whole life with this person. You've planned out your next year, five years, and maybe forever. While this could mean a canceled upcoming vacation together, it also could mean that the plans of a wedding, children, or retirement together are gone. So now, you're not only left grieving your past, present, but also the idea of your future. Here's the thing: your future isn't gone... only your future with that person is gone. Take this opportunity to make some new plans for yourself. Focus on the next year and create goals you'd like to accomplish for you. Treat this as a window to expand what's coming for you. Grieve what you've lost, but also be excited about the possibilities ahead.
3. "I'll Never Find that Again"
When we were little kids, the idea of "soul mates" was placed into our brain. We had this vision that there was one human being with our name on 'em. Honestly? I think that's bullshit. Going through a break-up, your rose colored glasses can convince you that your ex was "your one and only person". You might find yourself saying "I'll never find that again,"and "there will be no one out there like them". Maybe that's the truth. Maybe you'll never find that type of person again, but why does that have to be a bad thing? You might find someone different, unique, and who you need in that season. And if you don't, you might find a better version of yourself instead.
4. Put the Victim Card Away
We've all had it in our deck and we've all played it a couple times. It's easy to set a table for a pity party of one. "Why me?" "Why now?" "What's wrong with me?" "Why didn't they love me?" After a breakup, we over analyze everything that was wrong with the relationship, what was wrong with us, and yell how unfair it all is.While it's important to go through the anger, blame, and sad phases at the beginning, at one point you should put the victim card away. The longer you continue to wallow, the longer you'll be holding onto something that's long gone. The longer you turn yourself into a victim, the longer you'll be in the situation. At some point, you need to acknowledge "Yes, this happened to me. Yes, this hurt me. Yes, I might've been treated badly... but it's over now." Pull yourself up by the bootstraps, put down your deck of cards, and start over.
5. Don't Put a Timeline on Your Feelings
"Shouldn't I be over this by now? Shouldn't I feel some sense of healing?" Get rid of the expectation that your break-ups have an expiration date. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that you can heal at your own pace. You don't have to stop crying after a month and you don't have to start dating again after a year. Acknowledge your feelings, process your emotions, and deal with your situation in a healthy way that will help you get over it, not just get through it.
While every breakup is different, it's important to recognize that your feels are temporary. Your situation is temporary. Your season is temporary. Spend time with people who support, value, encourage and energize you. Get professional help if you need it and don't be embarrassed to engage with a therapist. Pay attention to your needs in the moment, create a new routine, explore new opportunities and new interests. Look at the bigger picture of your life and take another step forward.
Oh! And buy the handbag or pair of shoes if you need it.
Love you sweet girl!